


Lost In Darkness

by rndmnwierd



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 18:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20313757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rndmnwierd/pseuds/rndmnwierd
Summary: Peridot is having a bad mental health day. No, she's not okay, but she still has to smile and say she is.





	Lost In Darkness

Peridot sighed, head in her hands, watching the hands on the clock steadily move around the face. She was barely keeping herself together, mind going over and over her argument with Lapis two days ago. She’d apparently been walking on eggshells without realizing it and it had hurt her friend’s feelings. To Lapis, it seemed all was forgotten, but Peridot continued to pull herself apart.

Why couldn’t she just be normal for once? Why was human contact so difficult for her? 

She was so tired, tired of herself, tired of her own pain getting in the way of any meaningful relationship she might be able to have. Even if she couldn’t be with Lapis romantically, that didn’t, and shouldn’t, matter.

Lapis liked her, they had fun together. The same could be said for her previous relationships, though, and those had all crashed and burned for much the same reason. She was the problem, her feelings, her emotions that no one could handle, not even herself. 

She was back on a downward spiral, no one to blame but herself, and she found that she didn’t even know who to talk to or how. She couldn’t go to Lapis or Amethyst or Garnet, she had to deal with this on her own. Unfortunately, on her own wasn’t enough. She needed help, but she just couldn’t go to anyone she knew. She couldn’t put this on anyone else. She didn’t even want to talk to her therapist about this.

Peridot just wanted to disappear, she wanted to hurt herself for her inadequacy, she was angry at herself for this continued behavior that she couldn’t seem to let go of. 

Her mind wandered to all the ways she could kill herself. Lay down in front of a train, go for a walk in traffic. Certainly her family had plenty of guns and knives laying around the house in easy reach. God bless America that all they could do was create and give access to better ways to end someone’s life.

In the end, Peridot knew that she wouldn’t do it. She was a coward, too afraid to face her problems and too afraid to run away from them. So, instead, she’d shove them down, pretend everything was okay…. Who was she kidding, she wasn’t even strong enough for that. No, she’d bottle this suffering up until she exploded, like she always did, and start the cycle of shame over again. 

She was weak and pathetic; if only she could be more like Lapis, who, after confronting her own issues, was as free as a bird, needing no one and nothing in her life. Not for the first time, Peridot wished dearly that she could go back to how she’d been in high school, before she’d met Steven and Lapis. Back then she’d been cold and haughty, able to keep everyone held at arm’s length. 

No one hurt her then because no one got near her.

It was far past her ability to go back to that time, however, and the only thing she could do was move forward. Wait until she either had more courage and conviction or until she was better. Neither was looking to be an option, so she should just prepare to live in this cycle of suffering.

With a sigh, Peridot turned back to her work and began typing again. Work wasn’t going to let her stop.


End file.
